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"Hullo....ah'm Jim McColl an' ah wid like tae welcome ye tae the nicht's episode o' The Beechgrove Garden. It's bin braw weather this last few days here in dreary auld Eberdeen an yon pesky weeds is stertin' tae git a richt auld grip doon in the gairden, so on the nicht's show we'll no be botherin' tae show ye how the arichokes an' tatties is comin' along cus ye ken how tae get oan tap o' yon bloody dandelions ye'll be findin' that they wee bastards wull soon hae ower-run yer gairden an' it'll look a richt auld shiteheap....so we'll jist nip roon tae the arse end o' the Beechgrove allotment an oor Fiona wull be showin' ye a couple o' tips an' tricks that us professional gairdeners use tae keep yon weeds under control...so, Fiona, eh kin see that ye're hard at work there an' dae'in a grand job by the looks o' it, somaybe's ye wull be tellin' oor viewers aw about whit tae dae aboot the dandelions"...."Och aye, nae bother Jim...well ah tried ane o' yon flamethrower gadgets that they sell doon in B&Q but ah ran oot o' the gas afore ah hud made much o' a dent in the weeds...like a bloody jungle so they were, growin' up richt through the concrete slabs, so ah jist threw the flamethrower oot in the bin an' ah've been gien' them a richt good scrapin' wi' ma wee trowel but it fair made ma knees sore whit wi' aw that kneelin' doon oan the slabs. Ripped the hell oot o' ma tights tae, so it did, so ah threw the trowel in the bin tae"...."Jings ! That's no very good at all ,eh. Fiona ? So whit else huv ye been daein' then ? There's no many dandelions left the noo so ye must hae a wee secret way o' daein' it then. Tell the viewers yer wee secret, Fiona...ah hope it wisnae yon Roundup weedkiller ye wis usin' wis it ? Yon stuff's good but it's no very good fur the environment"...."Och well Jim, ah did hae tae use yon Roundup stuff but ah found that it didnae taste very good so ah hud tae phone ma Grannie fur some advice aboot whit else tae dae - she's 96 years auld but still keen oan her gairdenin', so she is, an' she tellt me that she's no got ony dandelions in her gairden at awe so ah asked her how she manages tae keep the weeds doon. Ye cannae beat an auld gairdenin' girl like ma grannie, ye ken...she's full o' plenty o' auld-fashioned remedies ye ken"...."So whit did the auld buzzard say tae ye then, Fiona ?"...."Well Jim, she says the secret s tae gie then a richt good waterin' ....which is nae bother tae her cus she's been incontinent fur nearly 30 years noo"....."Is that so ? An' whit dae ye think yersel' Fiona ...dae ye think it will work ? ..."och ah dinnae ken if it wull or no' Jim, but it's a lot mair fun than diggin aboot oan yer knees wi' a trowel an' shreddin the hell oot o' ma tights" :)