26757014

"Good Evening, and welcome to 'Modern Baking Methods', the show where our panel of experts demonstrate to all you budding confectioners out there amongst our viewers, just some of the methods that have been in use since ancient Egyptian times and which have led to some of the most delicious recipes to grace our cookie jars and larders....I'm Alfred Nugget and I'll be your host this evening, and on this week's show, we're going to be taking a look at the highly specialised and at times, controversial subject of Tarts, and to guide you through this enigmatic subject, we'd like to introduce you to our first expert, Mrs. Nora Fudd - Head of the University of Ontario's Department of Confectionary Studies...."Hello and welcome to the show, Mrs. Fudd. What mysteries are you going to unravel for our enthusiastic viewers this evening ?"...."Nice to be here, Mr. Nugget, thanks for inviting me "...."Just call me Fred, Mrs. Fudd, we havent got all night and broadcasting costs are fucking huge, so let's keep ot as brief as possible"...."Ok, Fred. Well the Uiversity's Confectionary Studies Department recently undertook some amazing collaborative investigatory work alongside Ottawa University's Archaeology Department which sheds light on how the Babylonians managed to make pizza wothout the aid of an oven and by using only old cardboard and recycled plastic supermarket carrier bags."...."That's intriguing, Mrs. Fudd, do tell our viewers more, I'm sure they'll be on the edge of their seats biting their nails to find out all about it"...."That's right, Fred, it's exciting as fuck, at least we at the University think it is anyways. You see, even although we previously though that plastic carrier bags were't around until the time of the 1 st Dynasty Egyptian Pharoah, Toot-An-Uther-Lyeno S'no , we were absolutely astounded when we came across some intriguing previously untranslated heiroglyphs on the wall of an ancient Babylonian ruin, which as it turned out to be, was in fact a dual-purpose construction. Made entirely of sun-baked mud bricks, it apprently served 2 main functions - firstly, it was quite clearly used as a bakery, but by using some high-tech-and-terribly-expensive-for the-hard-working-taxpayer infra red photographic scanning equipment and a couple of those natty lil drone thingy's that are all the rage these days, we veryu quickly established that it was also extensively used as a communal toilet block and..."...."FFS, Mrs. Fudd, can you just cut the archaeological crap and get on with the stuff about the pizzas ? We'll run out of air time soon and anyways, our viewers have already been calling in to say that you're talking shite and they want to know about Baking, not digging holes in some god-forsaken fuckin' desert !"...."Sure Fred...just wanted to get a word in to promote our sponsors, the University of Ottawa, that's all"...."Fine, Mrs. Fudd, now just get ON with it will you ?"....."Right, as I was saying, the Babylonians made pizza using minimal ingredients and when it turned out that one of the key elements in their recipe was in fact finely-chopped recycled plastic bags, we brought in a local expert in Ancient Babylonian Cookery who just happened to be able to decipher the heiroglyphs, what with deciphering such things being a bit of a hobby of his. And we discovered that not only was the recipe ahead of its time in the development of baking , it was also the fact that the Babylonians also developed some very highly specialised and highly effective methods in order to turn out pizzas which, according to the heiroglyphs, were also much-prized and in fact led to a number of invasions by other civilisations - the Assyrians being one of them as we also know that they were extremely fond of pizza. And beer too."...."Fascinating, Mrs. Fudd...so tell the viewers in detail, better still, I understand that you've actually set up a live demonstration, is that correct ?"...."Fuck me, Fred...I thought you'd never get round to asking me about that. It's all very exciting, you know - from a purely confectinary viewpoint, you understand - but basically, due to the fact that kitchen tables were in very short supply at that time....we're talking around 2900 BC ....and it wasn't made any easier by the fact that the Assyrians, in their numerous invasions, had burned down every IKEA store throughout Babylon - apparently it had something to do with their High Priests having had religious visions concerning Vikings, who were known to have been doing a fair bit of rapong and pillaging in the area at the time....anyways, what with the Babylonian kitchens not having any tables on which to roll the pizza dough, undeterred, they came up with the highly innovative method of sticking their rolling pins into the asses of kitchen slaves, whipping the hell out of them into a frenzied bout of floor-bashing. It was only a matter of time before one enlightened Babylonian baker caught on to the idea that it might be prudent to put baskets constructed from reeds which were freshly harvested from the banks of the Euphrates, underneath the asses of the kitchen slaves.....they did it like this.....ah ! Oh" Fuck me that feels soooo good !"......"Errr...Mrs. Fudd, are you sure that you're actually a Baking Expert ?"....."Course I am, Fred ...why do you ask?"....."Well, apart from having listened to some of the crankiest bullshit I've ever come across in my many long years of Television Presenting, it sure seems like you're enjoying yourself there...and, I suspect, not for any Confectionery reasons either ....seems to me that you're in fact an opportunistic exhibitionist. Highly imaginative, mind, with a cut ass ....oops, I can't say that on live television.."......"Awwwwwwwww...Fuck me, Fred, you rumbled me" :)